MY LITTLE COUNT DOWN

Can’t believe 2009 is ending.

Such a life-changing year for me and a lot of my friends. Sigh.

My fav Christmas song was on just now. Yeap, Have Urself a Merry Little Christmas. The fav Christmas song for those with something broken inside.

It’s still tough at work but I am getting over it. I have to end the year knowing no matter how tough the situation is, the sun will be out one day.

I am riding on something positive now. It’s like I found my first bloom of spring. Sure there will be frosty nights and chilly days, but summer is just around the corner. I can feel it.

Oh well, I still have Janet to keep me smiling and I have Brandy to remind me of the silly tears I shed. Have I eva…. Haha.

I am dating again. It doesn’t matter how it ends, single or attached. It really doesn’t matter.

Happiness is happiness, no matter how you cut or slice it. No one can give you that. You have to keep on renewing it, otherwise it will expire on it’s own.

So I am back, where I started.

Waiting, watching and wanting. Not for someone but for the day, the sun smiles upon me again.

That day will be here soon.

Here’s to happiness, forever.

Cheers.

PATIENCE

She is not my favourite but somehow she always makes me smile.

That’s Janet for ya.

I am weaving my web right now. Itsy bitsy spider is going to get his due!

Come here U.

Yes U!

BAD DAY

Omg... what a horrific day!

I wonder why?

DATING

INTELLECTUAL VS BEEFCAKE?

I guess, score one point for intellectual.

There is boring and there is BOOOOOOOORING

Roll eyes.

CHANGING AGAIN

The human spirit is resilient.

Only last Saturday, I was sleeping on a deck chair in a hospital. Last week I was besieged with fear and worry. This week I am out and about like last week didn’t exist.

Sigh.

I went out on a date tonite. Don’t ask me how it went? Because seriously, I don’t know. If someone, anyone, show a little bit of interest, I will probably give them a bigger window to operate from these days. The sun is already setting……… and the hay is drying up.

Yet, I am still not comfortable with giving up my swinging days. The subconscious part of me needs someone but, the dominant part is still overruling it at every turn. I think I am just selfish. The thought of sharing my space is so totally unappetizing.

But I am embarking on yet another mission. I am looking again. Maybe it’s just a phase.

I guess, it’s part of the change that is sweeping through my life. Every aspect of my life is carried by it’s momentum. Until I find my center again, I want to give everything a chance.

I will survive somehow.

Yes, the human spirit is resilient.

MIDNITE MADNESS

Strange day indeed.

There is nothing worse than drowning in your own life. The helplessness just goes on and on with no end.

On a positive note, I think I will break surface soon. I feel something stirring within. I am starting to turn the negativity into life’s learning experience, and hopefully growth.

This is my great leap to the next level. It will be difficult but that’s life for ya.

What’s history is history. Happy memories are best saved for those rainy days when we can lay in bed and reminisce. Good riddance to the bad ones. Either way, I can’t hold on to the person that I am today anymore.

I need to move forward. I need to be better.

It’s strange that KS asked me during lunch for the address to my blog. I am still undecided.

Years ago, I would have gladly given him the address, for back then, I needed to make him see the pain he wrecked upon me. But now, it seemed pointless.

Giving him the address now would only drag out old stories for discussion. That part of my life is so over now and I just want to let sleeping dog lie, I guess. If you strip it all down, we are just 2 people who are not meant to be together.

If he is happy, I am happy for him, as he is for me, I’m sure.

Strange day indeed.

I had dinner with my other ex “M”. Strangely, I felt totally liberated during our conversation. I didn’t see him as a white man anymore. He was just a man. Yeap, that was liberating. Almost like bra burning in the seventies. Not that I know anything about that, of course.

I think the bad patch these past months has brought new insight to my life. I guess, you can’t pick and choose what you want to hold on to. Everything will turn to dust eventually. But there will be re-generation and new experiences to be savoured.

Sure, I still miss those innocent days when I shake my bon bon on the podium of lq every weekend. I still miss the lazy afternoons lying in bed with Mikey staring at the ceiling and giggling. I still miss the days when no one question me at work. Ryan, weileong, a lot of stuff will be missed.

Let the past lie, R.I.P

THE QUESTION

Like the game of snake and ladder, just when you find yourself almost at the peak, you step on the stupid snake. That’s how it feels like. After years of building a happy life, I now find myself losing ground on a daily basis. I can’t catch up no matter how I hard I try. It’s scary.

It should get easier eventually but does easy equate happiness?

Technically I am better off but somehow there is no comfort to that knowledge.

I guess I knew the risk, so I guess it’s my own fault.

I used to have a simple happy life. Why wasn’t that enough?

HANGOVER

What you see is what you get… if only that were true…. sigh.

Even the mirror lies sometimes.

Bangkok was a blast…. but the pain of being back and going through the motion over and over again. Guess, I should have nothing to complain about but what’s the point of having a blog if you can’t bitch about something or someone.

For the past few days, I have been walking around wearing a painfully agreeable face. Trying hard to tolerate whatever life throws at me. Trying hard to hold on to the pieces of my sanity together with one hand whilst the other slowly letting go.

Thank god the week’s almost over.

I need the break.

But mostly I need to see my real self again!

TOMORROW

Tomorrow is a big day.

Sigh.

I guess, these are the times you wished you have someone. Silly me. BFs can’t protect one from uncertainties. In fact, Bfs are the source of most uncertanties and yet we can’t help but dream.

The dream and reality are so different and yet we dream. Sigh.

I guess, when you are willing to share a bed with someone and work through the snoring and farting, you can’t help but be deluded by their importance…… stupid as it may be.

First amongst equals ei?

OMG… what am I rambling about.

Yes, tomorrow is a big day. If it pans out…. everything will change or it might not? I can’t help but worry.

Yes, now would be nice to have strong shoulder to lean on.

We all need that sometimes.

RE-LIGHT MY FIRE!

I’m back.

I guess, I did miss writing despite my denials. There are only so much you can express on facebook.

I mean facebook is meant for people to be cute and look cute. Let’s call a spade a spade, shall we?

I guess, I am writing cos things aren’t so smooth in Pleasantville.

Am at a crossroad again. Opportunity knocks and undeniably, it’s time to move forward. Yet I find it so hard to say “yes” to something so logical?

Why is that?

I am really comfortable and happy where I am. It’s been a hard fought battle to be in this position. However, I am not sure if I can be this comfortable tomorrow yet I can’t seemed to let go of the comforts of today to fight for a new and probably better tomorrow.

Have I lost the fire in my eyes?